Does anyone else fill up with dread when you realise your guy friend has a crush on you, because you’re now going to be socially obligated to provide him with additional emotional labour if you don’t want to suffer social sanctions for not fulfilling your gender’s role of managing men’s feelings?
Men who are attracted to women routinely make their crushes a problem for the women they’re aimed at. If they possess the basic understanding that they’re not entitled to a woman’s interest - which honestly can’t be assumed - they still generally feel entitled to her time and emotional labour.
They expect explanations, a chance to ask questions about her lack of interest, and perhaps even a chance to convince her to “give him a chance”. They expect to be let down in the gentlest, most complimentary way possible, to have their feelings managed every step of the way by a woman who did not ask for this interest or the job of handling it.
This is one form of male entitlement, a near-ubiquitous form of misogyny that’s so embedded it often goes unnoticed. Men, think critically about the expectations you have of a woman you’re interested in. Are you making your feelings her problem, or are you managing them on your own like a respectful adult?
No one likes to be rejected. But it’s not the job of the person rejecting you to comfort you about it or listen to heartfelt confessions they don’t want to hear. Your interest doesn’t mean they owe you. Find someone who consents to giving you that emotional labour; don’t demand it from someone you’ve trapped in an awkward situation. Let “no” be enough.
